


Turbulent

by novocaine_sea



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Anger, Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-22
Updated: 2017-08-22
Packaged: 2018-12-16 04:52:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11821608
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/novocaine_sea/pseuds/novocaine_sea
Summary: Otabek has a few words for JJ and he unleashes them in a moment of weakness.JJBek Week Day 4: Angst





	Turbulent

**Author's Note:**

> If you've read my Otayuri fic [Golden](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10297499), you should prepare yourself for some similar angst. If you haven't read Golden, you should still prepare yourself for some angst... please proceed with caution, as I did not want to tag everything in order to leave suspense!!

Otabek exhales as he sits down, tucking one leg under him. His hands are shaking, anxiety circulating through his veins, making his head rush a little bit. He can’t bring himself to look at the sight in front of him so he forces himself to look out into the blue horizon. He can see that clouds dot the sky.

It’s awfully cheery for how Otabek is currently feeling. Dread wraps itself around Otabek’s lung and his heart, squeezing, digging its thorns into his organs so he can barely breathe. But he needs to do this, for himself.

For Jean.

“Hey.” Otabek speaks into the open air and his voice sounds foreign to him. It sounded as if an animal had torn his vocal chords to shreds. He didn’t do much talking these days anyway, having retired from skating early, the pain of it all not worth it to continue. Yuri had begged him to stay but Otabek couldn’t find it in himself to do so. The ice held an overwhelming emptiness to it.

And with only one true opponent, how was Otabek supposed to feel motivated?

Otabek clutches the bouquet of flowers that were held loosely in his palm. “I brought you flowers, but I forgot the water so… they’ll just…” He can’t bring himself to say the word and he drags his finger over the petals.

“They’re all red flowers, since that’s your favorite color. At least, I think that’s your favorite color. You were always wearing red.” Otabek laughs to himself and then it withers away as memories flood his mind.

“I’ve been thinking a lot about how when I trained in Canada you were always… buzzing around me. Trying so hard to be my friend and I never understand why,” Otabek turns the bouquet over in his hands, “I guess I do now. I think I would have been a lot less lonely if I had let you in earlier. There’s nothing I can really do about that now, huh?”

Otabek shifts, his leg already starting to go numb where it lies under him. He hadn’t been working out ever since he retired, having nobody to impress and not even going out anymore. He stays holed up in his apartment with the dog he and JJ bought together, memories pinning him down. Sometimes it’s hard to even get up in the morning with how hard his thoughts nail him into the mattress, forcing him to stay for the remainder of the day. 

His walls are suffocating, seemingly pressing closer as each day passes on. Today is the first day he crawled out of bed to clear his head. He doesn’t know how he ended up here of all places when he had been avoiding it for so long. A part of him tells him to go but now that he’s sitting, he doesn’t plan on moving until he pours his heart out. It’ll be good therapy for him. Yuri kept texting him referrals and he appreciated the help from his best friend but he also… didn’t want it. 

Otabek clears his throat to continue, “All that really matters is that I let you in. It was probably too late but we had a good run, right? I thought it was a good run. I think we could have benefitted with being more open with each other instead of just fucking and not really talking. I still can’t figure out how we had a relationship when there was no communication in it.”

Otabek was never really good with words. He didn’t know how to express himself other than a thumbs up out on the ice and scowl when something annoyed him. There was a disconnect in the fields of brain for positive emotions, making him feel awkward whenever he smiled too long or did something tenderly. JJ was much better with that sort of thing. Otabek missed the days where JJ would come back to their apartment and wrap his arms around him and hang on with dead weight. He missed rolling over and hearing JJ snore in his face and seeing his atrocious bed hair. The space in which JJ used to occupy was now saved for their dog, missing the scent of his other parent.

“I wanted to apologize for not coming to see you sooner.” Otabek swallows around the lump in his throat. It rises with the bile from his stomach, burning his esophagus, begging him to close his mouth and stop the word vomit that’s about to ensue. “I’ve just been so hurt and… and confused that I can’t wrap my head around everything. I know I shouldn’t be angry but I am, Jean. I’m so fucking pissed that the only thing stopping me from wrecking everything I own is the depression that keeps me in bed. It’s so hard for me to get up everyday, you have no idea. I have nothing to live for anymore, and clearly neither do you.”

Otabek shakes his head. “This was a mistake.” He brushes the dirt off of his pants and lays the flowers on the gravestone that reads JJ’s name and epitaph. 

_ JEAN-JACQUES LEROY.  _

_ JULY 15,1997- APRIL 25, 2019.  _

_ KING ON AND OFF THE ICE, ESPECIALLY IN OUR HEARTS! _

Jean-Jacques Leroy committed suicide six months ago. Otabek found him when it was too late and JJ was pronounced dead on arrival when he got to the hospital. Nobody had seen it coming, JJ always loud and boisterous with happiness. There was always a smile on his face. Nobody, not even his parents, had seen how his smile never reached his eyes or the way his hands shook when he was under pressure.

The pressure had been too much for him, the competition too tough. The cockiness bled out of him along with his life and there wasn’t an ounce of regret in him as he faded away. But he left nothing behind, no notes, no texts, so these thoughts drifted away with him to his grave, never to be voiced or heard.

“Good bye, Jean. I’m sorry I couldn’t be enough for you.” Otabek turns his back on the gravestone and walks out of the cemetery to his car. If he lingers long enough he can still smell JJ’s cologne that seeped into the seats from long drives dead in the night to clear their heads. It makes Otabek grit his teeth and grip the steering wheel until his knuckles are white. 

He doesn’t throw a second glance at the cemetery as he leaves, heading home, to his empty apartment in the center of Toronto. He considers moving back home to Kazakhstan but there’s so much here keeping him grounded that Otabek can’t bear to pack up and go.

So for now he drives off back home to mope and stomp and slam his fists into the wall when the voices in his head become too loud. The anger of everything consumes him and he can’t find a proper outlet.

Not that Otabek wants to. He likes to bottle everything up inside so that at a later date the cap can be released and everything will spill out when he least expects it. Until then, he’ll remain in his bare apartment, emptiness consuming him. 

**Author's Note:**

> [Tumblr](http://novocaine-sea.tumblr.com/)


End file.
